At the peremptory need and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United Kingdoms, I, Martin Crookall, formerly of Burnage, Manchester, and now for the last 22 years and 8 months past of Reddish, Stockport, declare and proclaim my intent to appoint myself Dictator of these U. K.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me to be vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different Kingdoms and Principalities of the Union to assemble in Edgeley Park, of this town, on the date of my ascension to be declared, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.
A list of such amendments shall be from time to time published hereunder for the greater good of these lands.
When I am Dictator, my first act will be to have Jeremy Clarkson shot at dawn. Unless I take over in the afternoon, in which case I will have him shot at tea-time.
