When I am Dictator: The Daily Mail’s warmth towards Women


It can hardly have escaped people’s notice that our traditionally fair country has this week been playing host to a Mr and Mrs Obama, of Washington DC, in the United States of That Horrible Mistake (had I been Dictator at the appropriate time, I would never have allowed those poor people to try to make it on their own without proper and enlightened Government).

Needless to say, the press of this land has afforded this young couple some free publicity, to which they appear to have responded with a welcome degree of dignity and charm to an exposure to which they can hardly be expected to be familiar (that is, when our most determined investigative journalists have not been pursuing the endeavours of young ladies from Northumbria attempting to earn an honest penny in the Obama’s homeland).

I have found the warm and supportive approach of the Daily Mail to be enlightening, with their daily portrayal of the innocent and naive Mrs Obama – a charming young lady by all accounts – on the cover of their publication, contrasting Mrs Obama’s couture with that of a seemingly better dressed white lady in a cheap frock, and dubbing Mrs Obama ‘The Princess of Bling’ – some perhaps obscure reference to the contrast between her silver necklace and her dark skin.

Indeed, the paper should be applauding Mrs Obama’s startling originality in wearing jewellery around her neck, a fashion innovation that may well catch on amongst the more daring and forward white ladies.

When I am Dictator I shall encourage this open-hearted approach to the fair sex from this most adventurous of newspapers. Mr Dacre will be rewarded by leisure from his labours in quarters of my own commissioning, secure in the knowledge that his work will be carried on by subsidiaries well-versed inĀ  his efforts: Miss Campbell, Miss Bindel and Miss Bidisha.

The circulation will no doubt treble.

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When I am Dictator – The Present Government


It goes without saying that, from the moment of my self-elevation to the position of absolute Dictator, and wellspring of this once-fair country’s return to its former position of pre-eminence as a really nice place to live, with decent people acting decently towards one another, those who are currrently leading us further downhill into the Age of Whiggery will be not merely deposed, but held in durance vile – and it’s going to be pretty damned vile, I can assure you of that – until such time as the manner of their disposition can be properly and aptly determined.

Given that Messrs David Cameron and Gideon Osborne, with the assistance of the cringing toad, Clegg, have acted towards this country with egotism, arrogance and a flagrantly reactionary spirit – not to mention behaving like absolute shits – something must be done to show the Bullingdon Boys, both elected and those few who will escape the cull that will inevitably follow, that their inbuilt belief that this land belongs to them alone is both ignorant, wrong and needs beating out of them with a high degree of irony, not to mention iron bars.

But the real problem exercising me lies with the fact that this Government has promoted so many selfish, self-centred, class-biassed, half-cocked and plain nasty ideas of how to punish the poor, the old and the ill for not being part of the Ruling Classes that there’s an embarrassment of riches when it comes to karmically pure and utterly satisfying punishments for the evil bastards.

When I am Dictator – Literary Necrophilia


I opened a delivery of books this morning and found, amongst other things, a book entitled Mr D’Arcy’s Great Escape, written by an American lady of the name Marsh Altman.

Yes, my friends, the literary necrophiliacs are at it again, once more disinterring the bodies of great and wonderful characters and heaving against them with their pale and spotty flanks, trying in vain to reverse Frankenstein’s gestation by dragging the spark of life out of an inanimate body.

This book is yet one more in the seemingly endless series of supposed sequels to or continuations of Pride and Prejudice. I neither know nor have the stomach to investigate how many times such a thing has been perpetrated, and will leave it to another to carry out this unpleasant and thankless task, much in the manner of the man who first came up with a comprehensive list of all the different Earths in DC Comics’ pre-Crisis Multiverse.

Looking at the blurb to this volume,I learned that Mr D’Arcy’s Great Escape offered High Adventure, Derring-Do, Unjust Imprisonments, Continent-crossing clashes and, that most Austenian of concepts, Globe-Trotting Asian Assassins.

As this is purportedly the first of a no doubt lengthy series of exploitive rip-offs lovingly constructed excursions into the beloved world of Jane Austen, I look forward to Ms Altman’s next offering, in which Mrs Elizabeth D’Arcy will undoubtedly be bitten by a radioactive spider, knit herself an immodest red and blue costume, and go swinging between the skyscrapers of the City of Bath.

When I am Dictator, there will not be such things. Any person harbouring notions such as this will be slaughtered out of hand as soon as they get within fifteen yards of a printers, and generous bounties will be disbursed upon production of the stripped-out hard drives from their laptops.

And we shall all settle down with a good book.

When I am Dictator – A Proclamation


At the peremptory need and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United Kingdoms, I, Martin Crookall, formerly of Burnage, Manchester, and now for the last 22 years and 8 months past of Reddish, Stockport, declare and proclaim my intent to appoint myself Dictator of these U. K.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me to be vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different Kingdoms and Principalities of the Union to assemble in Edgeley Park, of this town, on the date of my ascension to be declared, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.

A list of such amendments shall be from time to time published hereunder for the greater good of these lands.

When I am Dictator, my first act will be to have Jeremy Clarkson shot at dawn. Unless I take over in the afternoon, in which case I will have him shot at tea-time.