Spammed to Buggery

I don’t know what on Earth has happened but I am currently being spammed to buggery and all on the same post. My recent Infinite Jukebox on the Robert Wyatt version of ‘Shipbuilding’ is attracting spam posts like flies on, er, sherbet. What’s worse is that more than half of them are not being caught by the spam filter and are actually being flagged through as genuine first posts that I have to Moderate. How do I know they’re not genuine? Oh believe me, they’re easily recognisable once you’ve run a blog for long enough. They’re either English-as-a-poorly-translated-ninth-language or, when they’re correct, they’re gushing with praise that has no relation to what you’ve actually posted about. I haven’t had such a blizzard of posts for a very long time, and I’ve certainly never had so many come through on the same post like that. I’ve had nearly twenty in the past two days alone. Bog off, you useless idle bogshites!

Spam Attack 4: Make your mind up

After a period of inactivity, I am once again on the track of the spammers and needing to clear off several comments several times a day.

Just as on previous occasions, there is an underlying theme to the majority of the comments that are not sneaking past my spam filter: the internet seems to have collectively decided that what I am currently in most need of is Heating. And Cooling.

Now let me get this straight. At the moment, it is past the middle of December, and after the mild autumn that hath preserved the wasp into senescence, we are now suffering from, in the most part, wind and rain and flaming cold.

So there seems to be a point in bombarding people with ideas about how to keep yourself warm, and it may be that my ever-advancing age is drawing concern from the internet’s philanthropists (though given the rolls of fat around my waist, I’m a bit less in need than most).

But what the hell is the point of advising me about cooling at this time of year? If I want to get a dose of cooling, all I have to do is get out of bed before the central heating kicks in.

Heating and cooling in one post, over and over again. It’s a counter-productive proposition whichever way you look at it, a zero-sum game that only represents the ultimate end of the Universe in the heat-death of entropy.

It’d probably be even worse if I actually read any of them.

Spam 3: The American Connection

Apparently, it’s been decided out there in Spamland that I no longer need to be bombarded with detoxification contacts: I am once again considered clean, which is nice to know, having been clean throughout (except for that day the water pressure was horribly low and I couldn’t get a shower before going to work).

Nor, it appears, am I considered to need impossible quantities of Canadian diamonds to hand out to that adoring legion of lovelies that dog my footsteps wherever I go (you must be joking, I still haven’t got up the nerve to ask out the friendly blonde who works until 10.00 pm nearly every night in my local Co-op).

No, what the Spam Brigade has decided that I desperately need, more than anything under the sun, is Home Inspectors in Baltimore, Maryland, or air-conditioning tube experts in Tucson, Arizona.

Sadly, I do not now, nor have I ever lived anywhere in America, nor visited that strange and far away land, though ever since Homicide: Life on the Street a matter of twenty-odd years ago, I have had a hankering to visit the decaying city of Baltimore (it is not a matter of coincidence that this was also the backcloth for the legendary HBO series, The Wire, since both series have their roots in the same David Simon nonfiction book, and I will at some point seek to impress upon you just how wonderful Homicide was). Therefore, having neither property in Baltimore, nor air-conditioning in Tucson, the latest spam wave is, as usual, singularly inappropriate.

Get your algorhythms checked, boys! (or girls). Cheap trips to Austin, Texas, to see the lovely and wonderful Shawn Colvin play live, yes! Then you might be on to something…

Spam 2: What could I do with all these diamonds?

I’m still getting bombarded with offers to lead me to sites that will cure my addictions, though I honestly still don’t think that Caffeine-Free Diet Coke is either that dangerous or illegal (some of you will say that it should be but hey, I’ve got to have some perversion or life isn’t worth living).

But now I’m getting swamped with Diamonds. Not literally, just endless spam offering me the chance to visit the best sites for diamonds you could ever imagine, always providing you can imagine Canadian diamonds.

Now, being dirt poor, the diamond market has never been significant to me, so I am not my usual fount of wisdom here, but I don’t recall ever hearing that Canada has a significant reputation for diamonds. All of a sudden, it seems to be rolling in them and everyone wants to share them with me.

To be fair, not all this jewelled spsam is explicitly Canadian. Some of it offers me the best Spencer diamonds, which mystifies me even more. I intuitively associate Spencer with Canada now, which is going to be a potential issue next time I get to speak to my cousin who’s been living over there since 1982 (if you’re reading, hi John!). It’s the way they offers arrive in waves of one or the other.

Oh, and I’m still getting the ones about monster trucks. Anyone who wants one and doesn’t know where to find them, I can probably sort you out.

Spam: do they mean me?

Like all bloggers, I get a regular amount of Spam comments, which get regularly filtered out. What type of spam it is comes in waves; payday loans is a perennial favourite, along with some naked advertising and the kind of oh-gosh-wow comment about how brilliant some post or other is, and how the commenter’s going to link, or tell his brother because bro is really into this topic, and which never has any reference to the actual topic that might, you know, suggest it came from a real human being who’s actually read this stuff.

But just lately, I seem to have been specially targetted by a couple of new spam subjects. One seems to think I’m in desperate need of knowing where to get the best monster trucks in America, which is, like, seriously bad profiling dudes, but the one that’s got me worried, or should I say several that have got me worried are the dozen or so I’ve been daily getting abut the best way of escaping drug addiction.

Now you may think I’m in denial here, but I’m not addicted to anything, except possibly Diet Coke (Caffeine-Free for preference), and maybe Pizzas, and I swear that I have never touched a single drug in my life that has not been handed over the counter in exchange for a octor’s prescription. But the persistance with which these souls are trying to get through to me is starting to get worrying.

Do they know something I don’t?

Spam Bucket

I assume I’m not the only one experiencing this, although if that’s not the case then maybe it’s a sign that the spam e-mail industry as a whole has started following this blog and come to a collective recognition of my innate talent, but over the last couple of weeks, my spam bucket has been heaving with offers to take my TV and Film ideas and translate then into reality, oh, and unimaginable sums of money, of course.

Needless to say, if I had any TV or Film ideas, which I do not, I would not be exposing them to people whose major contribution to my inevitable success would be to steal all the credit (and the unimaginable sums of money) for themselves.

Then again, as I have recently read, the reason these spam campaigns are so irremediably dumb is that they are merely filtering out those not sufficiently irremediably dumb as quickly as possible. Given the exceedingly high bar of naivete required for these scumbags to find people to exploit, it does make business sense to go straight for your targets with as little contact with the smart and sensible on the way.

Still, it makes a change from Nigerian widows and lawyers trying to smuggle millions out of an unsuspecting country, if only you’ll send them your bank details.